Monday, April 11, 2005
Don't It Always Seem To Go
One thing that I have never been able to grasp is the fact that people don't understand what they have until after suffering a loss. Families become closer after crisis, lost loves suddenly seem perfect, treasured friendships seem more precious after moving to a strange place.
The trouble with love is, it doesn't matter who you are. Loving unconditionally, and being completely and utterly vulnerable is hard. When I feel myself getting lost, I throw myself into a new relationship to find out who I am. The relationships I consume myself with, make or break me. And ultimately, I am left a broken little girl trying to scramble and pick up all the pieces before they are blown away by the wind or warm summer breeze, depending on the season.
Don't it always seem to go that the ones you trust the most, seem to let you down the most? Your father makes a bad call and suddenly you realize that the man who taught you how to ride a bike, catch a fish, drive a stick shift, look at the world with open eyes, isn't invincible. As a self proclaimed daddy's girl, I struggle with the fact that my dad isn't untouchable, his sun bronzed skin and naturally muscled build, is allowed to be afraid, vulnerable, shitting-in-his-pants-scared. That, if anything, he can't put his two beautiful little girls in glass bubbles and protect them from skinned knees, vicious words, broken hearts, drunken moments of embarrassment, sticks and stones kind of shit. What hurts the most, is that my sister and I aren't little girls anymore. We're young adults. We are vulnerable to the world and all of its trials. And the only corrupt judges in this judicial system are ourselves.
I am firm believer that the relationships you ensue help you become the person you are. Getting hurt, being used, using other people, hurting other people are all learning processes. The day I fear the most is when I call up one of my girls from high school, who mean so much me today and the conversation is forced. Screaming children in the background, dinner burning on the stove, the husband beeping in saying he has to work late and won't make it in time to dine with the family, girl scouts ringing the doorbell selling cookies, (or even worse, a jehovah's witness in a suit trying to convert you to their religion... thats more like a nightmare). All while apologetically trying to juggle old and new. "Sorry Jules, I gotta go, I'll call you back after I put the kids to sleep". You'll play phone tag for three weeks, until you dance in the kitchen again with the phone cord get caught between the dog's legs as he spills over his water dish.
Losing those relationships might be more subconciously devistating that physically losing someone. People go threw their whole lives loving other people. Real love, false love, want-it-to-work-so-bad love. When does one get to love themselves? Now? At 21 years old? At 21 I'm dating boys who are 27. At 27 I'll probably have a rock on the fourth finger in on my left hand with someone that I've been seeing for three years and hardly even know. When does life begin? As my mum always says... "life happens when you are busy making plans michelle, live within your day and you'll be happy" Good to know all that alanon paid off. Live within your day. Tomorrow always looks greener, brighter. What do you have to look forward to if you live within your day, what you are going to have for dinner? Dreams, aspriations, feelings... don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you had until you lost them?
The trouble with love is, it doesn't matter who you are. Loving unconditionally, and being completely and utterly vulnerable is hard. When I feel myself getting lost, I throw myself into a new relationship to find out who I am. The relationships I consume myself with, make or break me. And ultimately, I am left a broken little girl trying to scramble and pick up all the pieces before they are blown away by the wind or warm summer breeze, depending on the season.
Don't it always seem to go that the ones you trust the most, seem to let you down the most? Your father makes a bad call and suddenly you realize that the man who taught you how to ride a bike, catch a fish, drive a stick shift, look at the world with open eyes, isn't invincible. As a self proclaimed daddy's girl, I struggle with the fact that my dad isn't untouchable, his sun bronzed skin and naturally muscled build, is allowed to be afraid, vulnerable, shitting-in-his-pants-scared. That, if anything, he can't put his two beautiful little girls in glass bubbles and protect them from skinned knees, vicious words, broken hearts, drunken moments of embarrassment, sticks and stones kind of shit. What hurts the most, is that my sister and I aren't little girls anymore. We're young adults. We are vulnerable to the world and all of its trials. And the only corrupt judges in this judicial system are ourselves.
I am firm believer that the relationships you ensue help you become the person you are. Getting hurt, being used, using other people, hurting other people are all learning processes. The day I fear the most is when I call up one of my girls from high school, who mean so much me today and the conversation is forced. Screaming children in the background, dinner burning on the stove, the husband beeping in saying he has to work late and won't make it in time to dine with the family, girl scouts ringing the doorbell selling cookies, (or even worse, a jehovah's witness in a suit trying to convert you to their religion... thats more like a nightmare). All while apologetically trying to juggle old and new. "Sorry Jules, I gotta go, I'll call you back after I put the kids to sleep". You'll play phone tag for three weeks, until you dance in the kitchen again with the phone cord get caught between the dog's legs as he spills over his water dish.
Losing those relationships might be more subconciously devistating that physically losing someone. People go threw their whole lives loving other people. Real love, false love, want-it-to-work-so-bad love. When does one get to love themselves? Now? At 21 years old? At 21 I'm dating boys who are 27. At 27 I'll probably have a rock on the fourth finger in on my left hand with someone that I've been seeing for three years and hardly even know. When does life begin? As my mum always says... "life happens when you are busy making plans michelle, live within your day and you'll be happy" Good to know all that alanon paid off. Live within your day. Tomorrow always looks greener, brighter. What do you have to look forward to if you live within your day, what you are going to have for dinner? Dreams, aspriations, feelings... don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you had until you lost them?
// posted by .elle. @ 8:53 PM 
